(A Dhruv Somayajula hyperventilation based on absolutely true events)

I woke up to a harrowing experience, no less a battle than Cannae, Panipat and Plassey, though the numerical odds between the combatants were quite level. The following is my mission report:

“0900 hrs – June 11, 2021 – The Battle of the Almirah

This huge, winged and shiny beast of a cockroach started it, using guerrilla warfare methods of showing up, freaking me out immensely, ducking under an almirah and showing up again after I gave up kicking the cupboard to provoke it to face me in open field. Very rope-a-dope.

I ran out, got that cockroach spray from the kirana store next door, started spraying it at the last crevice I saw it exiting. After spraying nearly half the bottle under the almirah and yelping war cries bravely, I looked down at my legs and saw that cheeky little shit scurrying from behind me into the zone of chemical warfare. 

I jumped up 2 feet in the air and honestly felt my heart in my mouth. I dislodged that, jumped around while spraying the pest from all angles, until it finally lay there vanquished- immobilized, comatose, and possibly dead.

I couldn’t afford to take any chances, you see. It was war. With a brisk ‘take no prisoners’ attitude à la Eisenhower, I gingerly put a paper beneath it, a paper above it, and stamped out the rebellion, all the while clenching my teeth and saying ‘oh God, oh God, oh God’. I could see that I’m a ruthless general but also a very green foot soldier.

I then held the paper with both hands as far as I could from my body, ran to the dustbin and dumped it in there, taking care to use a broomstick to bury it deep within the dustbin. ‘Take no chances with resurrections’- that’s my motto.”

It has been an interesting morning.